Yesterday I posted about being stronger. And then the universe laughed at me and decided to test that theory.
Suddenly I found myself plunged into a good day turned hellishly long and frustrating. Exhaustion hit, tears rolled and my mind went places I didn't want it to go.
Also playing on my mind was today's appointment with my GP. I needed to go for one simple prescription, but there was something else I knew I needed to talk about.
This, which happened to me last month:
I was cleaning Abbey's bedroom, making the most of her time at preschool to break my one big rule (NEVER do housework when child free - which I essentially was, with Iris asleep).
Then I walked out into the kitchen to grab a snack. Suddenly - just like that - I couldn't see anything in front of me.
I reached around for my phone and managed to call Steve. "I have a migraine," I said. "And Abbey's at kinder, needs to be picked up soon."
I didn't know what the next side effects would be, so I had to tell someone quickly. Lucky I did.
My speech was the next thing to go.
As Steve asked me questions over the phone, I sat there unable to hold my head up or keep my eyes open. The baby had woken and was crying next to me. I couldn't speak.
The words floated around in my head - so many words, so many worries - I was about to miss a special preschool presentation, Abbey would be the only one without her mum there, who would pick her up, the baby needed feeding... how on earth was I going to look after my kids this afternoon?
It was up there as one of the scariest things I've ever experienced. To have your brain whirring around but being unable to communicate any of it is - even just for such a short time - torture.
It took several minutes and absolute concentration before I could get the words to travel from my brain to my mouth. And when I did manage it, it was just one word at a time.
Another few minutes and it had passed. I could see a bit more, and I could talk again, albeit on a slight delay. But I couldn't keep my eyes open for the exhaustion.
It's scary. To be left unable to look after my kids, or even call for help, just can't happen.
I've suffered from migraines most of my life, but they're becoming more and more severe. I knew I had to mention it, and tried doing so in passing, but my doctor was having none of that - and I left with a referral to a neurologist. That scares the hell out of me. I'm feeling pretty shaken.
Where's that strength?
I'm realising that sometimes as a parent I feel like I have nothing left to give. I've tried my best, spent so long putting myself aside to put them first - and yet I have to find something in me to push through it. That's the strength I need to find.
And I'm getting some pretty dire health warnings about never putting myself first. Let's add 'looking after myself - like, REALLY looking after myself' to the list for this year, hey?